I Was Attacked By New Zealand’s Most Aggressive Predator

I have looked into the eye of evil and it is avian.

It is the New Zealand magpie, and it is more aggressive to bicyclists than any other animal in the country. (If I’m honest, the only aggressive one, unless you count douchebag drivers.)

For a few weeks a year—basically all the weeks I’m riding here—it has eggs or fledglings in the nest, and that makes it defensive as hell. These little bastards hang out in groups in the fields, watching for trouble, and when you see a squadron of them take to the air you could swear you hear them squawking “lock S-foils in attack positions.”

I have learned to scan pine trees in particular for these nasty little dive-bombers. That’s what they do: they follow you down the road, hovering menacingly, then stoop into a bombing run and peck you in the head. I have taken three shots to the helmet. Fortunately none to the ear—yet—though I’m told that happens.

There are two other birds for bikepackers (and campers in general) have to worry about here, but I like these ones. First is the kea. Isn’t it adorable?

The kea is a rarity: an endangered species that’s cute and charismatic, yet one the locals don’t really want to come back. They’re about the size of a macaw and just as loud. A kea’s beak is hooked and sharp, and I found this one standing on someone’s van trying to peel all the rubber bits off. They’re clever but quite destructive.

The danger to campers is they’re cheeky enough to steal your stuff. Same goes for the bigger, more prevalent, equally kleptomaniacal wēkā.

Wēkā are about the size of a small chicken. They’re flightless, and once you get to the South Island you learn they are anything but endangered. They’re also stealthy, unlike the noisy and clumsy kea, but like kea they’re interested in more than food. I met a three-year-old who lost her favorite stuffed animal to a wēkā.

I like kea, despite the fact that one of them kept waking me up one night messing around with Booster. I could hear it clumping around like a drunk trying to unlock the door to the wrong apartment. That bellowing squawk shouldn’t be endearing, but somehow it is. I like to they’re introducing themselves but they haven’t mastered English grammar: “I KEA!”

I like wēkā too. They’re thieves, but thieves with character. But magpies? Hell no. They’re hellspawn.