Philosofiction

Steve Bein, writer & philosopher

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This is a job for RoboChuck

Vladimir Putin continues to distinguish himself as an 80’s Action Movie Bad Guy. Let me count the ways:

First, he gets his ninth degree black belt in Taekwondo, outranking Chuck Norris’s eighth dan. Anyone who challenges Chuck Norris is almost by definition an 80’s Action Movie Bad Guy.

Still not convinced? Consider this: Putin uses the same Soviet supersoldier stretching techniques as Ivan Drago from
Rocky IV.

putinator dragonator

When the BBC and CNN finally get onto this story, just remember, you heard it here first.

Second, Putin decides he wants the Crimea, even though he can only hurt his own cause by taking it. He’s not a dumb guy; he has to know he stands almost nothing to gain, and he was certain to suffer personally and politically just for attempting the annex. Sort of like the execs at Omni Consumer Products deciding to manufacture RoboCops even though all of their other activities are illegal.

Yesterday Putin sank from evil to almost comical. In a move worthy of a
Naked Gun bad guy, he conscripted dolphins into his army so he could train them to kill human beings. I swear to you this is not a joke. Get his: he took them from disabled children to remilitarize them.


ocp dolphinator

And today Putin called a meeting with (I am not making this up) Steven Seagal, to talk about (I am not making this up) reinstating Joseph Stalin’s favorite nationwide fitness program. In Uncle Joe’s day it involved throwing fake grenades. Today, presumably, it will include what passes for aikido when taught by an action star not aging well enough to show up in an Expendables movie. Says Seagal (and I’m not making this up either): “I know him well enough to know that he is one of the greatest world leaders, if not the greatest world leader alive.”

So here’s the movie I want to see: Chuck Norris, blown half to bits by a brainwashed, bomb-toting Russian dolphin, gets fitted with an invincible armored exoskeleton and goes to challenge an Evil Russian Dictator to hand-to-hand combat. But he fights bodyguard Steven Seagal first. Soundtrack by Harold Faltermeyer, of course. Hollywood, call me. You know this will kick ass.


chuckinator stevenator